How to Heal a Broken Heart: A Comprehensive Guide
Heartbreak is universal, but healing is personal. Alyssa Ressi shares lessons from her own journey—practical steps to let go, rebuild, and move forward with self-love.
By Alyssa Ressi
I bore my first heartbreak at 15—it was a type of grief I had never experienced before nor knew how to navigate. I drowned my sorrows in Rupi Kaur poetry books and an embarrassing amount of Ben & Jerry’s ice cream to cope. Six months later, despite my pitiful attempt at moving on, I got back together with my ex, reopening the wound.
By 16, I was weathering my second heartbreak. With one breakup behind me, I thought I’d be much better equipped for this one. Surely each heartbreak gets easier, right? I soon learned that was a myth and entered a toxic, on-again-off-again cycle that dragged on far too long.
Now, at 21, I lived through my most painful heartbreak yet—with someone I truly believed could be the one. For a week, I could hardly leave my bed; I was overwhelmed by the weight of the loss. I knew this time it was different; I had to be different. I needed to make a choice: stay stuck in this pain and repeat the old patterns of my teenage years, or truly learn how to heal and move forward with my life.
No one is immune to heartbreak, yet it so often feels like an isolating experience. Studies show women are more likely to forgive and stay in relationships after infidelity or mistreatment, with many prioritizing the relationship’s preservation over self-respect, even when it’s damaging to them. Throughout the last 6 months of my breakup, I created a list of coping strategies and lessons I wish I had known sooner—insights that could have spared me months of confusion and pain. If I could go back to my 15-year-old self, I would give her this guide, but since I can’t, I’m offering it to you instead. I hope that these lessons can ease your heartache, even if it is just a little bit, and remind you that healing is not only possible, but more within your control than you might think.
Feel
Take the time to truly acknowledge and feel the emotions you’re experiencing. Breakups are painful, and it’s normal to be hit with an overwhelming mix of emotions. Instead of trying to ignore or suppress them, find and focus on healthy ways to express what you’re feeling. Listen to that SZA album, cry into your pillow, scribble your thoughts into a journal (and rip up the pages after if that helps), and lean on the people who care about you. Let yourself experience the full range of emotions; it’s the only way through the pain on the path to healing.
Accept
One of the biggest factors that held me back from moving on was the hope that my ex would come back, realize their mistakes, and somehow “get it together.” I imagined they would suddenly realize that I was the one, and that they were crazy to think they could ever be without me. This false hope kept me stuck in denial, preventing me from accepting the reality of my breakup. To truly heal, you must first accept that the relationship is over—not because you wanted it to end, but because it has, and you deserve to move forward.
Prepare
In order to truly move on, you need to create an environment that supports your healing. This means removing as many triggers as possible—those things that will make you constantly think of your ex and get stuck in the past. Here are a few things I did (and you can too) to set myself up for success:
Return any items that belong to your ex. If it’s too painful to face them, consider donating gifts that remind you of them or putting those items in a box tucked away in a closet.
Delete old text messages or move them to a place where you won’t be tempted to revisit them.
Remove photos that bring up old memories—either delete them or upload them to a file you won’t easily access.
Delete their number if you know you’ll be tempted to text them.
Unfollow them on social media to avoid constantly checking their profile and getting sucked back into a cycle of comparison or longing.
One technique I found especially helpful came from psychologist Guy Winch in his TED Talk How to Fix a Broken Heart. He suggests making a list of everything that reminded you why it was best that the relationship didn’t work out. This list can include big things, like differing life goals, or small irritations, like their refusal to do laundry or the way they chewed too loudly. The key is that we often get stuck by only remembering the good times, ignoring the reasons the relationship ended in the first place. Whenever you start idealizing your ex or feel tempted to get back together, reference this list. It’ll bring you back to reality and help take them off the pedestal you’ve put them on.
By eliminating reminders and keeping the reality of the relationship in mind, you create space for healing and move closer to your true self again.
Fight
Moving on is not passive—it’s a fight. It is a battle against the urges that will try to pull you back from healing: the temptation to break no-contact, to replay those happy moments, to hold onto hope that things could somehow be different. Every day might feel like a battle trying to resist idealizing what was and facing the reality of what is. That is the fight; making the active choice to let go, even when it feels like holding on would be so much easier. Moving on requires a consistent, valiant effort. Some days it will feel unbearable. Others, you’ll see and feel how far you’ve come. Remember that every time you choose to move forward, you’re subconsciously choosing yourself.
Move forward
Moving on focuses on letting go of the past, but the most beautiful part is moving forward and creating a future that is fully yours. This is your time to rebuild your life with you as the center, so shift the focus back to yourself and the life you want to live. Reconnect with friends who make you laugh until your stomach hurts. Rekindle hobbies that once brought you joy, or try something new that you think might excite you. Set goals that are meaningful to you, whether it’s big and life-changing or small, everyday victories. Rather than building a life around a partner, shift the focus to building a life that reflects who you are and who you are becoming. Each step you take brings you closer to a version of yourself that feels whole and grounded—not because of someone else, but because of you.
Have Patience
Healing isn’t linear; some days will feel like progress while others may feel like you’re back at square one. That’s okay; even those days are a part of the journey. Healing takes time, but it will happen. Trust yourself and the work you are doing to heal. You are doing better than you think, and you are stronger than you feel. You are healing, even now. Time will take care of the rest.