Stop Being a Virgin – Literally: Why Women Should Stop Subscribing to the Idea of Virginity
"A few years ago, I stopped calling myself a virgin. Whenever people ask me why, I’m always honest with them: I don’t see a point."
By A. Tatiana
A few years ago, I stopped calling myself a virgin. Whenever people ask me why, I’m always honest with them: I don’t see a point. I remember when I was young and consistently going to Sunday School, where the pastor lectured me on how important it was for me as a girl to remain a virgin, to remain “pure” until the inevitable day of marriage. As I started drifting away from the Baptist church in my teen years, I started thinking to myself: Why does virginity matter? Why must I be a virgin? Why must all women and girls share their sexual activity (or lack thereof) with the world? This is why I stopped subscribing to the concept of virginity.
Virginity is a useless, misogynistic concept made as a tool to control women. Contrary to public belief, there are no physical and mental indicators of virginity; you can never tell if a woman has had sex or not unless she tells you. Yet, society places most, if not all, of a woman’s worth on something so miniscule. If an unmarried woman is not a virgin, she is a whore, impure and no longer capable of any respect. Shame on her—she’s not one of the good ones who saves herself for Prince Charming! A woman who is not a virgin is considered immoral. If she’s willing to—heaven forbid—sleep with someone outside of wedlock, she must also be willing to lie, cheat and steal. Society implies that only bad women show anything even resembling sexuality, while good women keep their legs closed and skin hidden.
In The Purity Myth: How America’s Obsession with Virginity Is Hurting Young Women, Jessica Valenti discusses how girls are taught that their sexuality reflects their morality. “When young women are taught about morality, there’s not often talk of compassion, kindness, courage, or integrity. There is, however, a lot of talk about hymens,” (Valenti, 2009). Please ask yourselves: Why are you considered a good or bad person based on when you first slept with someone? Why does your sexuality override all the good or bad deeds you’ve done in your life?
Of course, I can’t write an essay about virginity without discussing religion’s role in tying sexuality with morality. I grew up in a religious environment, and my extended family is still Baptist. I have personally experienced how the church played a role in controlling the lives of me and my female family members through purity culture. The obsession society has with virginity is tied to religion and the purity culture it enforces. From Christianity to Islam, the construct of virginity convinces women that they are inherently impure unless they cover up and only open their legs for their God-fearing future husband. The pastor at Sunday School didn’t teach me how to be a good person with my actions or words; he lectured me to be a good person by keeping my legs closed.
Women must reject the concept of virginity because the obsession society has with our sexuality bleeds into our daily lives and makes them hell. For example, the rapper T.I. said in an interview that he consistently goes to the gynecologist with his daughter to ensure her hymen is intact to see if she’s had sex. Not only is this absurd, rooted in medical lies about the female body and just overall abusive parenting, it’s unfortunately very common. I know many girls who get ushered to the gynecologist not for their health but as a form of surveillance. Virginity is a form of surveillance against women.
I believe this surveillance is attributed to the constant talk of laws banning female contraceptives and morning-after pills. To those who’ve ever asked themselves why the government doesn’t pass laws banning vasectomies and condoms, it’s because male sexuality isn’t surveyed or scrutinized as a moral compass. Men aren’t immediately written off as terrible people for having sex before marriage; men aren’t being rushed to the doctors to check the integrity of their penis. Men are allowed to be seen as more than those with whom they’ve had sex with; men are allowed to sleep with as many women as they want, whenever they want. Valenti writes, “When women’s sexuality is imagined to be passive or ‘dirty,’ it also means that men’s sexuality is automatically positioned as aggressive and right– no matter what form it takes,” (Valenti, 2009). Male sexuality is considered second nature, correct, and pure. The concept of virginity doesn’t apply to men because society doesn’t think men need virginity.
As long as purity culture and misogynists exist, I don’t believe there will be a way to fully erase the concept of virginity. I say women must reject virginity, but I believe everyone should. No person should care about the sexuality of women. Virginity is something everyone should no longer entertain, but the change begins with us. We, as women, need to break free from this prison we’ve been placed in the moment the doctors say “it’s a girl”. Only we can begin to reclaim our autonomy and power from the society that strips us of it. Stop being a virgin—enough of this silly prescriptive idea that you are only worth something if you close your legs.